


5 Times Erik Didn't Sleep Through the Night and 1 Time He Did

by ladysparkles



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) - Fandom, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Sad mentions of Erik's family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 07:31:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7036864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladysparkles/pseuds/ladysparkles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Be it on account of revenge, guilt, or grief, Erik often wasn't able to sleep at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On the mutant road trip

**Author's Note:**

> I originally started writing this a couple months ago inspired by my own insomnia. It was planed to have a completely different ending, but after Apocalypse I wanted to take it a different direction. Sorry if it seems forced, I wasn't really able to work much with my own idea.

There was a lot about traveling the country looking for mutants that Erik was familiar with from his hunt for Schmidt; the endless stream of faces that he’d never seen before and would never see again, the questionable food no matter how well-reputed the establishment, and most characteristically, the new bed every night of various degrees of comfort. And one other thing, Erik thought as he stared at the ceiling, the sleeplessness.

For as long as Erik could remember, he never slept through the night. And he had reached the point in his life where he stopped questioning it and instead accepted it as the routine. When he inevitably woke up before morning, it felt foolish to try to fall back asleep, so instead just proceeded with his day. A person can get a lot more done when their day starts at four in the morning.

But that was a luxury Erik no longer had when he was sharing a room with someone else. It hadn’t even occurred to him that there would be a problem if he and Charles shared a hotel room when Charles asked. But then night, and the subsequent morning, came around. Erik woke up at, to his estimate, around 3:00. Over the years he had also become quite good at knowing what time it was just from a glance at the sky. He sat up in his bed, looking and feeling around. On the bright side, there was nothing dangerous nearby. Unfortunately, that also meant that there was nothing for Erik to do. He didn’t want to turn on the light or start rummaging through his things and risk waking Charles. For many minutes, Erik remained still in bed with his eyes wide open, listening to the muffled clicking of the clock and distant howling of cars down the highway. It took a long time--way too long--for Erik to realize and remember that Charles was able to hear every thought in Erik’s head. Erik wasn’t sure the extent of Charles’ power, but considering how strong Charles was capable of being, there was a pretty good chance that Charles could hear Erik even like this. And that would be very bad. The last thing Erik wanted was for Charles to realize he had insomnia and and treat him like another child. He wanted Charles to treat him like an equal. 

There was no point in just lying there and looking pathetic. Erik used his power to grab his clothes, get dressed and quietly out the door. Once he was outside, he ended up feeling just as confused as he did in the room. Erik had no idea what to do. It was still dark. There wasn’t much of anything that he could do without Charles. He could eat, but he wasn’t actually very hungry. After walking down the street for several minutes, Erik grabbed a newspaper and walked back to the hotel where at least he could sit inside and read.

“Are you okay?” He heard Charles ask.

“I’m not doing anything that you’d find objectionable.” Erik answered.

“I didn’t think you were. I just wanted to check on you.” Charles sat down in across from Erik with a pleasant smile.

“You shouldn’t be up yet.” Erik said.

“Neither should you.”

Erik half-shrugged, half-shook his head. “I wake up when I wake up.”

Charles nodded and didn’t press further.

“You should go back to bed.” Erik said. He for some reason had a stronger than typical feeling about this. Erik refused to acknowledge that guilt or concern were emotions that he dealt with, especially not in this context. It was probably just the pragmatic realization that they’d never get anywhere if Charles wasn’t well-rested.

“Don’t worry about me.” Charles said. “Is something wrong with the room? Would you prefer to be alone?”

Having a room alone would solve the problem, wouldn’t it? That would first require acknowledging there was a problem. It would also most likely make Charles feel at fault for the situation.They had only just met, but Charles seemed genuinely good to Erik. He was a little bit young and arrogant, but still there was goodness that Erik hadn’t felt since he was a child. “No, the room is fine.”

“You’re sure?” Charles asked.

“Yes. I don’t usually sleep much.” Erik explained. “It’s the timezones. And other… things.”

“Hunting down Shaw?”

Erik forgot that’s what Charles was calling him. “Stay out of my head.” He snapped defensively. 

“I’m sorry.” Charles said. “It was just an assumption.”

A fairly reasonable one considering much of Erik’s behavior thus far. “Right. Well, don’t worry about me. I’m completely fine.”

Charles stifled a yawn. “Alright. Well if you want to talk about anything.”

“We just met, I don’t know anything about you. You don’t need to act like we’re old friends.” Erik said.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Charles said. He got up to walk away. “Have a good rest of your night.”

“Wait.” Erik said. Charles paused. “Thank you for bringing me with you to talk to the others. Even though you probably could handle it alone.”

Charles smiled. “Thank you for coming. We’re going to build something great.” He walked away with a little swing in his step. Erik couldn’t help but smile at that.


	2. In the X-mansion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry how short some of these chapters are. I was stronger in concept than reality.

Erik found Charles’ mansion deeply unsettling. Charles had set Erik up in the room next to his, promising that it had the most comfortable bed of any rooms and he’d be nearby if Erik wanted him. Erik found himself lying awake at night, wondering what he was doing 

Erik stared up at the ceiling. 

The ceiling in the room Charles had given Erik in the mansion was like a work of art. Erik couldn’t stop staring at it. He had no idea what he was doing there, in that mansion, with Charles and all the rest of the children.

Charles had all this hope and a bunch of plans. He wanted to keep finding mutants and teaching them and working with the CIA. All Erik wanted to do was kill Shaw and escape. He did like Charles though, it would be nice if they could stick together.

Erik got up, dressed, and started walking around the house. Charles had told everyone that they were welcome anywhere they wanted. It was huge and intimidating, everything felt like an untouchable antique. He couldn’t imagine why Charles would ever want to come back here after he left.

“I know. It’s just because we have space enough for everyone.” Charles voice in Erik’s head said.

“I told you to stay out of my head.” Erik said out loud. He didn’t know how to telepathically communicate with Charles yet.

“Why don’t you come into the study and talk with me, then?” Charles highlighted the route in Erik’s mind.

Erik begrudgingly walked into the room where Charles was sitting at a chess set, waiting. 

“How are you?” Charles asked as Erik sat down.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not liking it here?” Charles asked.

“I’m just not used to it. I’ve always been in hotels, cars, places that always feel small and alone.”

They started playing while they talked. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” Charles said. “It makes complete sense. Even I’ve felt out of place here for from time to time. But I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with it. You still have a place here even if being here feels wrong.”

“You don’t want someone like me with your group.”

“Erik, trust me. I do. I really love the way your mind works. I want you here very much.”

“I’m only here to get revenge.” Erik said clearly. He didn’t want to have a debate about it with Charles.

“In the meantime you could get some help.” Charles said.

“I don’t need help, I’m fine.” Erik said.

“I only meant with your powers.” Charles amended.

“Oh.”

“I know that you might go off on your own. And at the very least I would like to help you be as strong as you can be when that happens.”

Erik was touched. “What’s in it for you?”

“Just helping you. Maybe if you’d like to come back and play chess with me sometime in the future.”

“I’ll consider it.” Erik said with a smile.


	3. In prison

The fluorescent lights in the CIA prison never turned off. The cell was filled with a constant blue-ish glow. Erik tried to keep himself to a daily ritual, but besides doing push-ups until he collapsed there wasn’t much to occupy himself physically. The rest of the time he had to occupy his mind with his own thoughts. Some nights--or at least what he assumed were nights--he was so consumed that he couldn’t sleep at all. 

The anger at the humans who locked him up burned hot even as he spent years locked away from everyone. They stopped him from trying to protect someone that they looked up to as a leader. They never even listened for a moment to what he had to say. Then without even a fair trial they threw him into the worst confinement that they could imagine for him.

Sometimes the anger spilled over to Charles. It was Charles who tried to instill in Erik an ounce of faith in humans, and look where that had led him. Charles was always believing in encouraging the good inside of people when the reality of the world was that the only thing that could be done was to protect people from evil.

At the same time he knew he wasn’t without reproach. He had been unable to protect more mutants than he could count. Many of them had died, and there were some, like Charles who had just ended up hurt. The last that Erik had heard of Charles, he was confined to a wheelchair and still running his school. What was the point of a school for mutants if he wasn’t capable of protecting them. It would just provide an easy target. If Erik were not in prison, he’d be periodically checking on the school that it was properly defended.

Maybe it was Charles’ stupid optimism that rubbed off on Erik, but he had been hoping that Charles would have found a way to get him out of this terrible cage. He knew that he had hurt Charles, but he thought that they had enough between them that Charles would look past it to at least restore a basic amount of dignity to Erik. Charles wasn’t the saint that he pretended to be. 

Erik wasn’t a saint either. And on some small level he missed being around Charles. He wanted to see him again, apologize and move on. The thought that he might never get the chance kept him up.


	4. En route to Paris

Erik leaned back and felt the walls of the plane as they shook with the turbulence. He looked over at Charles, as he shook and thrashed in his sleep. Charles looked like a mess, with long unkempt hair, unshaven face, and dirty clothes. How had he let himself fall apart this way? He understood that Charles was hurting, but couldn’t he see how necessary he was to the rest of the world?

Surely it couldn’t be just because Erik had crippled Charles. He said he was sorry. Not to mention Charles was much more than his legs to begin with. To have Charles completely let down the entire mutant community. Still, it hurt to watch Charles toss and turn knowing that he played a hand in all of that.

Erik sat up and moved to sit next to Charles. “Charles?”

“What do you want?” Charles asked.

“I just wanted to talk to you. I haven’t seen a friendly face in a while.”

“We’re not friends.” Charles said coldly. 

“That’s too bad. You’ve pretty much been my only friend.” 

Charles looked at Erik. His eyes were still glassy and tormented. “We’re not the same people that we were, Erik. You know that.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to give up on everything.”

Charles frowned and shrugged. “I’m not a professor anymore. Everybody knows that.”

“Don’t you care about the rest of us anymore?”

“I care about Raven. I want to stop her before it’s too late.”

Erik nodded.

“So that’s wrong with you?” Charles asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You woke me up, what’s wrong?” Charles’ voice was gentler than earlier, but maybe it was just tired.

“I couldn’t sleep. I was worried about you.”

“Let it go, Erik. You don’t need to be like that anymore.”

“You’re right.” Erik moved away from Charles and gave him room.

Charles rolled away from Erik and went back to sleep. Erik stayed up watching Charles. He didn’t want to go back to being Charles’ little pet project again, but he regretted the role that he had played in making Charles abandon everything else. 


	5. Back at the X-Mansion

It was probably well past the middle of the night. Erik couldn’t be sure, because he wasn’t Charles, but all the students (children, X-Men, whatever the name of the day was) were probably asleep. Even Charles was fast asleep. Erik was sure that he had some way of connecting to everyone throughout the house to keep tabs even when he wasn’t conscious. Somehow, even though Charles cared more for his children than himself, Charles had enough peace of mind that he could sleep without worry. Erik had no such luck or mechanism. He was resolved to be awake until he was sure that everyone was completely safe and everything was secure. 

He first checked all the doors. All locked. If it were up to Erik, he’d melt the lock during the night. But after Erik did it once and the next morning people were unable to get out, Charles made him promise to never do it again. 

He made sure the windows were all shut tight. There were so many windows all over the place. When Erik was rebuilding the mansion with Jean he tried to suggest to Charles that they have fewer windows in order to be more secure, but Charles wanted to let plenty of natural light in and couldn’t be swayed away.

He ensured that all the weapons were secure. Erik did quite like that the mansion had a full arsenal and students that were learning how to use them. It was still a concern, if any of their enemies learned what they had, they would surely target them to use for their own. 

There were cameras and alarms by every entrance, but Erik wasn’t about to put his blind faith in gadgets. He checked on each one to make sure it was still turned on and recording.

One last thing to check: all the people. Erik couldn’t reach every student as easily as Charles, but what he could do was use his own power to feel the metal and at least check that there was a person where there should be and not anyone where there shouldn’t be. 

For the first few nights after Cairo, Erik and Charles were both staying awake until morning. They spent almost the whole time talking. Charles confided in Erik about almost everything on his mind. For Erik’s part, he held back most of his own thoughts. Talking helped Charles, but it never did Erik any good. After a few days, they stopped both making it to morning. Charles started being able to fall asleep, and then able to do so earlier and earlier until he was back to a completely normal sleep schedule. No matter what, Erik stayed awake.

He hadn’t done a check in a couple of minutes. Doors locked, windows tight, weapons secure, alarms and cameras operational, residents accounted for.

The fact that it was a big school with so many people seemed comforting to everyone else. Erik understood how that would be the case, but it also left even more vulnerabilities. So much harder to spot an intrusion, harder to account for every body. And there was so much that the humans could do to attack them. 

He checked everything again. Doors locked, windows tight, weapons secure, alarms and cameras operational, residents accounted for.

What if they set fire to the mansion? The building was much newer than before, but it was far from fireproof. By the time the alarms went off, there would be a struggle to get everyone out fast enough. Erik would get Charles to safety first, then go back for everyone else. Of course there were students who would be able to stop the fire or evacuate others; Jean could probably control the fire, Peter had already demonstrated that he could get everyone out of the house. But that left them at primary risk. The attackers would target Jean first, maybe Peter next or at the same time. By that point it would be a scramble to try to protect everyone. People would probably die and Erik would definitely want to kill the humans responsible and it would turn into a huge disagreement with Charles. That’s if Charles survived the fire and didn’t somehow end up trapped and burned alive.

“Erik.” He felt sharply in his mind.

He checked everything before acknowledging Charles. Doors locked, windows tight, weapons secure, alarms and cameras operational, residents accounted for.

“I’m sorry for waking you.”

“I think I preferred it when you imagined me dead in a nuclear bomb blast over being burnt to a crisp.” Charles joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“It’s not something I want to happen.” Erik thought firmly almost indignant.. “I was trying to strategize. Trying to be prepared.”

“And the night before was drowning in a flood.” Charles said.

“There are a lot of ways that it can happen.” Erik said softly.

“I know.” Charles said. “But does this really help?”

“It’s not enough until I’ve considered every situation.”

Charles mentally tried to embrace Erik. “You’re hurting yourself.” 

“It’s a small price to pay for everyone’s safety, I figure you’d know that.” Erik thought about Charles’ lack of hair; a testament towards his willingness to sacrifice himself for others.

“I do. But obsessing over this is tormenting you, not comforting.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Erik asked.

“I don’t know.” Charles admitted. He still wished that Erik would talk to him more, but he couldn’t force it. “But remember that all of us are a team. It’s not your sole responsibility to look out for everyone.”

“But I--”

“And that’s one thing you can at least talk about with the rest of us. We can defend ourselves together. Plus, you can rip up the earth and that’s pretty comforting.”

Erik smiled ever so slightly.

“Won’t you at least try to sleep?” Charles asked. “It’ll be okay.”

“No.”

Charles knew that he couldn’t do anything to comfort Erik without invading his mind further, which he had resolved to never do unless a matter of life or death. “Are you sure?”

“I can’t. It’s useless to even try. It just...” It just hurt. But he wasn’t able to say it.

“I’m so sorry.” Charles said. “Do you want to play chess?”

“Don’t force yourself to stay up on my behalf.” Erik answered. “I’ll be fine on my own.”

“I don’t want you to have to. Call for me if that changes.”

“Sure.” Talking to Charles at least helped Erik with one thing. He realized that he would never sleep. Instead of trying, Erik got out of bed, dressed, and walked around the mansion, patrolling every detail that he was mentally checking earlier. 

After some ten laps around, Erik felt Charles’ voice softly in his head. “Goodnight old friend.”


	6. Breakthrough

There were many ways that Charles had been woken up over the years. Sometimes in the middle of the night by an unexpected presence in the house, like Raven, other times by someone else’s nightmare, a common occurrence in a school for children, and upon occasion by pangs of his own heartbreak. 

But the best way to be woken up was just by the sun. No urgency, demands, or worries involved, just a warm welcome sign that a new day brought new opportunities. 

Charles was happy to be woken in such a simple way. He reached out one arm to stretch and was startled to have hit Erik in the side. 

It wasn’t that Erik was in his bed that surprised him. For weeks after Erik had agreed to move back to the mansion, Charles had offered Erik the spot. And for a long time Erik turned him down. Once Erik had accepted the offer and shared the bed with Charles, Charles discovered just how little Erik actually slept. And every night since, Erik always left well before sunrise. 

Charles tried to make himself available for Erik to talk to at any time. But Erik rarely took him up on that offer either. Erik was determined to keep his pain away from everyone else and let it eat at him all night long when he could prevent it from hurting anybody else. It was commendable how much Erik wanted to do right by everyone else now, but Charles hated to see him sacrifice himself for that. 

For months Erik had kept everything closed up inside. Most nights he slept only briefly, Charles would often stay awake until Erik fell asleep before nodding off himself. But no matter what, Erik would be awake a short while later. 

 

But the night before had been a breakthrough. Well, more of a breakdown. 

 

Erik was cutting up carrots for the stew he was making, Charles was sitting at the counter reading, other children were playing around the kitchen although none of them were being particularly helpful. There was a brief clatter as suddenly Erik gripped the knife he was holding so hard that Charles would have been afraid for everyone’s safety if not for Erik’s powers.

Charles eyes snapped to Erik’s and saw the horrible sight of someone trying to hold back tears to no avail. He had to do something that he never usually did in any circumstances other than dire ones. “Clear the room, please!” He commanded everyone and waited until all bodies were out and the door was closed to approach Erik.

Erik was still clenching the knife with one hand, the other was covering his face, his lips and fingers shaking. Charles put his hand on top of Erik’s hand that had the knife.

“Let go, Erik.” Charles said gently. 

Erik grasp tightened for a moment. Charles held his breath and reassured himself that he could stop Erik before he hurt himself. But he didn’t need to as Erik opened his hand and let the knife roll out. Charles rolled closer as Erik dropped to the floor, still covering his face and trying to stem the tears with his hands. He put his hand on Erik’s shoulder and rubbed it gently.

Not about to ask what caused this, although he wanted to know, or what Erik was thinking about, Charles said only “it’s okay.”

Erik tried to speak, but at first only a deep sob came out. Charles stroked Erik’s arm again, trying to be soothing. The distance between them when he was in the chair and Erik on the floor was too much it felt almost patronizing. Charles locked the chair and slid out of it, lowering himself to the floor next to Erik with a small grunt. 

“I’m right here.” Charles said, close enough that he could wrap an arm around Erik and hold him closer. “Let go.”

Erik let out another sob and clutched Charles’ hand which he had offered up silently.

Some particularly strong glimpses of Erik’s pain, Charles could feel with no effort, but he refused to delve deeper without Erik’s permission. Until Erik could speak, Charles just held him.

It felt like several minutes had passed, although Charles wasn’t good at keeping track of time.

“I’ve failed everyone I’ve loved.” Erik said to the ground, his voice raspy and wet.

“No, you haven’t. You did everything you could.”

“It’s not enough. I couldn’t keep them alive. I let them be killed.”

“That’s not the you that I know. The Erik I know doesn’t just let things happen. I only know the you that fights like hell for things.”

“I knew that Nina was wearing her locket.” Erik said, his voice choking on the name. “I could have used it to stop them before it was too late. Why didn’t I?”

“You didn’t want to use murder as your first option against people you knew, in front of people you loved.”

“And I failed them.”

“No, you didn’t.” Charles said. “Please believe me, even though your guilt is telling you not to. The only way  _ you _ could fail the people you love is by not believing they’d love you no matter what.”

Erik took a breath through more tears.

“Please stop torturing yourself with blame. I’m sure it’s not what they’d want.”

Erik nodded.

“Do you want to tell me a good memory?”

“When Nina was really little, I was careful not to use my powers too much around her. We were worried she’d accidentally tell someone at school or in town about it. And it wouldn’t be fair to make a little girl keep it a secret.”

“Right, not when it’s so cool that you’d want to tell your friends.” Charles said, smiling at Erik.

Erik cracked a smile in response. “One day she came up to me and asked me if I ever talk to animals. I thought that she maybe saw me doing it and thought I was crazy. I told her sometimes I do, but I don’t expect them to respond. She said ‘why, do they not like you?’ and I thought that was really cute but I’m not very imaginative so I just said no it’s because animals can’t talk. She was horrified and I didn’t know what I had said wrong so I felt terrible as well. I probably would have thought she was still playing or something but then she said ‘is something wrong with me if they talk to me?’ Then I realized what she meant. She took me outside and showed me. It was amazing.” Erik started tearing up again. “I showed her what I could do by making a flower. She laughed so hard she fell over, she was so excited...” Erik’s voice trailed off into another sob. “I miss her so much.”

Charles held Erik tight again. “I know you do.”

“She should be here instead of me.”

Charles stroked Erik’s hair slowly. “Just be the person she loved. That’s all you can do now.”

Erik nodded. “I know. I know you’re right.” He wiped off his face with his sleeve.

Charles clicked his tongue and reached as far as he could for a tissue to clean up the job. “Do you want to keep talking while we finish making dinner?”

For a moment it looked like Erik was about to shut him out again and put up walls like always. But Erik realized that for just a few moments while he was talking to Charles, he actually felt okay.  “Yeah, I do.” He said, and helped Charles back into his chair.

 

The rest of the night, Erik told Charles stories about his family. His eyes stung from how much he cried, but he kept telling each one as it came to mind. Charles listened attentively and held Erik’s hand when he got emotional. 

Once they were in bed with the lights off, Erik’s storytelling started getting a little slower and foggier.

“Need a break?” Charles asked.

“I guess so.” Erik said.

“Why don’t you go to sleep?” Charles suggested. He felt Erik about to protest. “I’ll canvas the house with you. What’s the routine?”

“Doors locked.” Erik said.

Charles listed off each door in order, Erik checked each one one by one. 

“Windows shut tight.”

Charles ran through those as well while Erik felt that they were all closed.

“Weapons secure.”

“I was with the last group in the danger room. Everything should be back in place and locked up.”

Erik felt to confirm and nodded. “Alarms and cameras operational.”

“Two by the front door, one at the basketball side…” Erik nodded each time Charles said a device that was working.

“And residents secure.”

Charles smiled, knowing it was his job. Much faster than Erik, he was able to reach every student quickly and without notice. “All good.”

“Now, why don’t you try to sleep?” Charles suggested.

Erik nodded. Charles watched as he closed his eyes and drifted off.

 

Now it was morning and a small miracle that Erik had actually remained asleep all night. Charles didn’t want to let himself get his hopes up and expect it to be a permanent change, but considering all that Erik had been through, one night was a very big deal. Charles used his upper body to pull himself closer to Erik and rested his head on Erik’s chest. The heart may be a muscle, but it wasn’t easily controlled. Erik’s heart was still broken and Charles didn’t have the answers to fixing it. All he could do was be there give Erik as much love as he could. 

“What time is it?” Erik whispered.

“Eight.”

Erik smiled in shock. “That’s a surprise.” He paused. “Thank you.”

Charles smiled back. “I love you, Erik.” He said softly. 

Erik squeezed Charles’ hand.

It was okay that Erik didn’t say anything, maybe didn’t even feel the same way. All that mattered was that Erik knew that Charles did love him and that he finally got some sleep.


End file.
